From Monogamy to Polyamory

Or how the ideal of monogamy will vanish in favour of more polyamorous and deliberate forms of love, hailing individual freedom…

As mentioned by Jacques Attali, two hundred years ago, few people forsaw legalized divorce or open homosexuality. If a futurologist had predicted them, he would have been laughed at. Had he hinted upon gay marriage, he would have been institutionalised immediately.
It’s it awkward how sexual and relational mores seem to escape future predictions? We love to speculate about the future balance of power, the pending third world war, planetary disasters and emerging technologies, but somehow, we don’t care for speculations when it comes to the sexual and relational mores, to what is good and bad in the realm of love relations, to which are acceptable or unacceptable formats for those relations. Instead of speculating about future changes, we prefer to think of those mores as immutable.
However, sexual and relational mores are not immutable. The format of human love relations has proven to change drastically throughout history, and they will continue to change. What is considered good and bad, acceptable or not, or what is considered ideal in the realm of love relations has changed throughout the ages, and will continue to do so.

At present, monogamy still is our societal ideal for love relationships. Movies, novels, music and television preach us incessantly the true romance and monogamy imagery. Their protagonists remind us every day that we should look for our perfect match, the soulmate, the one that completes us. The search is supposed to come to an end in our twenties, when the soulmate is stumbled upon, at which point we are expected to marry our counterpart and be sexually exclusive to him or her for the rest of our life (living happily ever after should be a piece of cake). It is the right thing to do, and many of us accept this true romance and monogamy imagery without so much as a critical footnote. We tell each other, or mostly presuppose that it’s normal and natural. We are convinced it is the right thing to do, the right way to go about love. At least ideally.

In the process, we like to forget that monogamy is from a biological, historical and from an anthropological point of view anything but the dominant, let alone the only ideal format for love relationships. We should never forget that monogamy is a very recent social convention. Among animals monogamy is practically non-existant (the only animal species known to be monogamous is a peculiar flatworm that lives as a parasite in the intestines of fish), suggesting in trying to be monogamous, humans are really fighting an uphill battle against biology and their own evolutionary development. Also, for the largest part of human history, we have been non-monogamous. Moreover, only 15% our contemporary societies are monogamous. Suddenly, you are left wondering how the idea of one lifelong partner got off the ground in the first place.
To add detriment to shame, at present, monogamy proves in many ways that it is not working. In the few societies where monogamy is the ideal, people are not living up to it. Wherever people like to believe in monogamy and sexual exclusivity with one lifelong partner, their soulmate, and wherever they put a lot of effort into making it a reality, they fail miserably. They cheat, live apart and divorce each other more than ever before, and we won’t even talk about the unhappiness in many ‘monogamous’ households. Many people seem to like the idea of monogamy in principle, but nobody seems to be very good at it.

The writing is on the wall, and a quick look at a recent, very powerful trend will help to make a case for the pending abolishment of the ideal of monogamy, AND help us to speculate about future forms of our love relationships.

The trend that adds to the equation, shapes it, and articulates it, is the continued rise of individual freedom. Max Sheler talked about ‘world-openess’ to differentiate humans from non-humans. Humans have become more human by becoming independent from their surroundings, opening up the whole world. Becoming independent of our surroundings means we no longer live in reaction to our surroundings, but that we are left with a choice and the power to say “no”. This world-openess gives us the opportunity and the responsibility of choice, that is, being human means that we always have choice, at least the choice between ‘yes’ and ‘no’. The power to say ‘no’, the individual freedom to make that choice is what sets humans apart from animals. The individual freedom to make choices is what best articulates being ‘human’. In a society that becomes more and more human, that hails more and more individual freedom to make choices the sexual mores will permanently change, as the trend has changed many things in other realms.

How will those sexual mores change? I can see no other way than the vanishing of monogamy as an ideal. The rise of individual freedom runs counter to the imposed societal ideal of how a love relation should shape up. There will be no more discrepancy between what one wants to do and what one thinks he or she ought to do, because anyone’s own wishes, desires, wants, … will have become anyone’s own mores. People will no longer accept monogamy because it is the right thing to do, because it is what they should do. Monogamy will vanish as a societal ideal, as will any other format.
There will be no more use for societal ideal formats for love relations because the mere idea of and ‘ideal’ runs counter to individual freedom. Stripped of any societal ideal formats, in the realm of love relations we will be left with nothing but the source: love. Individual freedom will help dissociate desire, sexuality, love and reproduction, and give people the choice to base their love relations on love and only love.
In the light of love and failure of monogamy, the hypocrisy of our current situation will soon be revealed, and we will come to terms with our polyamorous character. Left with the source, we will clearly see that there is no need to divide the love we have to give to the the people we want to give it to. Just as any mother knows that her love for her second or third child in no way diminishes her love for the first child, we will see that the amount of love we can give does not have to be divided among the people we want to love.
Put differently, there will no longer be an imposed societal format to forbid a person from loving a few people at the same time. Just as most societies now accept successive love relationships, soon we will acknowledge the legality and acceptability of simultaneous love. For men and women, it will be possible to have partnerships (in whatever form they choose) with various people, who will, in turn, have various partners themselves. At long last, we will recognize that it is human to love different people at the same time.
We will soon talk about netloving. We will no longer accept one imposed format because we think it is the thing we should do, but we will take responsibility to choose the format we want to shape our love relations in. A hightened individual freedom, more selfawareness and consciousness will make way for relations that are more deliberate, filled with love and stripped of the dysfunctional aspects that go along with accepting a socially imposed format for love relations (jealousy, possessiveness, …). A myriad of formats will acknowledge polyamory and hail non-possesiveness, honesty with onself and the other, and clear communication.

To be sure, it will take some time for the change to be complete, but the time is now, and beneath our hypocrisies the shape of our future is visible. Join me for the revolution!

For more:

- http://imwithhans.blogspot.com/2008/01/from-monogamy-to-polyamory.html
- “Amours - Histoires des relations entre homes et les femmes.” Librairie Arthème Fayard, 2007.

- http://archive.salon.com/sex/feature/2001/01/23/monogamy/index1.html
- http://anthro.palomar.edu/marriage/marriage_3.htm
- http://www.abc.net.au/rn/science/mind/s611249.htm

hansome hyena schreef:

How will those sexual mores change? I can see no other way than the vanishing of monogamy as an ideal.

This can never happen. People are not built like that that there will onlye be one mind and one sollution. Some people can never live with polyamory, other people will just fight the majority of the people because they want to be unique.

What could be true is that in maybe 100 or 200 years from now there will be a period where most people are polyamorious, but maybe 100 years later people might revert back to monogamious.

The problem is that polytamory comes with a price. There is a risk that when you have tot many partners that you become very superficial and ignore the partners that are in need because you rather be with the fun ones. After a few years you become disolutioned and think to yourself is this it? I had so many partners and I still feel lonely.

thanks for you reply, polytoo.

Citaat :

This can never happen.

how can you say this? do you know the future? monogamy has become an ideal only in recent human history ... how can you be so sure that the ideal of monogamy will not dissappear?

Citaat :

I had so many partners and I still feel lonely.

for me, polyamory is not about multiple partners. it's about honesty with yourself and with others. it's about not having socially conditioned expectations about the format a relation SHOULD have.
it's about unconditional love and about taking responsibility for one's own lifestyle.
for me, polyamory is a way of looking at love. in my vision it is possible to be polyamorous and to choose for a monogamous lifestyle. therefore, i do not think that polyamory comes at the price you are presenting.

Citaat :

I can see no other way than the vanishing of monogamy as an ideal.

How do you know this? Do you know the future? How can you be so sure that the ideal of monogamy will dissappear?

Citaat :

How do you know this? Do you know the future? How can you be so sure that the ideal of monogamy will dissappear?

well, i do not know it for sure. i do not know the future. i'm saying i cannot see another way ...
it's a speculation and that's how i started this article.

Wel the problem with unconditional love is, it sounds nice in theory but in reality only a few people on this Earth can do this. Not many people can handle multiple lovers, lot of them are very unsecure and needs one stable relationship so monogamy will not go away.

you are absolutely right, polytoo, when you argue that insecurity is the basis for relations ... and monogamy.

Citaat :

Not many people can handle multiple lovers, lot of them are very unsecure and needs one stable relationship so monogamy will not go away.

this i wrote about jealousy: http://imwithhans.blogspot.com/2007/11/jealousy-and-how-to-get-rid-of-it.html

since people became sedentary the concept of property was applied to women so men could assure that their children are actually their children.

but clearly monogamy is not working, and people start seeing this. i'm not saying monogamy will vanish, i'm saying that monogamy as an ideal will vanish. it is disappearing as we speak. for example the ideal of monogamy used to presuppose also that you would be with your ONE soulmate util death.
in our day and age however (and this is very different from 50 years ago) SERIAL monogamy is accepted, to be with one mate, than another, ... serial monogamy shows a shift in awareness and is a societal compromise between human nature and the ideal of monogamy.

so yes, monogamy as a format will not disappear, some people will choose monogamy (and if it works, more power to them!) but as a societal ideal, it will ... in fact, it already is disappearing.